the Revenant

To All Corvette Fans & Followers Anxiously Awaiting the New C7

This parody is aimed at all the naysayers and "haters" on the forums that can do nothing but bash a car they have yet to see. A little Holiday cheer entitled:

The Corvette® Enthusiast’s Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, and in the garage
Was a brand new C7, engineered by Tadge!
It’d been years in the making, and soon would be shown
To frustrated enthusiasts who had started to moan!

They kept it all covered, so no one could see

The design and the details, and just what it would be!
With Jalopnik®’s renderings, C&D’s, and more
The excitement was epic like never before!

When out in the Forums, there arose such a clatter

I sprang to my PC, to see what was the matter!
I typed in the website and looked for the thread
About the C7 containing nothing but dread!

The threads debated every detail and line,

You’d think GM® knew nothing of design!
Forget the fact they’ve been successful for years
Every expert on the forums expressed nothing but fears!

The engine and power, disappointing at best,

Were argued, debated and not put to rest.
How many horses were under the hood,
But that’s not important, no one understood.

Not horsepower but torque is what should stressed,

Some understood, some not they confessed!
They talked of the charts and debated the curves
The discussion so detailed it got on my nerves!

After bashing and slandering GM® engine designers

Other threads discussed “styling”, a haven for Whiners!
Very little was “right” from the front to the back,
The car simply was wrong for the road and the track!

The taillights were wrong, giving up the tradition

“Camaro-esque” was the term it was simply sedition!
Roofline and “B Pillar” windows were cursed
Tradition was shunned to give way for this “first”!

I read and questioned why anyone would own

A car so inept, the legend dethroned
By so many “experts” without foundation of seeing
The real car, the performance, it’s essence of being!

Away from my PC, giving way to my dread

I needed assurance and summoned the dead!
Harley Earl, the greatest designer of all,
Shinoda and Mitchell, I also gave call.

And to assuage my worst performance fears

Zora came forth, I saw through my tears.
“Calm down, my friend, why all the commotion?
The naysayers are wrong and they don’t have a notion.

Of all the design, engineering and tests

That went into this car to make it the best.
Over sixty years we’ve fulfilled all your dreams
And on 1-13 we will be redeemed

By the critics and all of the other naysayers

Who bash and complain and pile on in layers.
So turn off the critics, forget all the worry
January 13^th will be here in a hurry.”

Then back to my bed and back to my dreams

My concerns all assuaged, so right it all seems.
But I heard Zora exclaim as he faded from sight
“The C7’s a winner to all a goodnight.”